Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Unschooling is not permissive parenting

Unschooling is interest based learning where children naturally learn from their environment and are trusted to learn what they need to learn to succeed in life.  Parents act as a resource person and role model to help educate their children in a respectful manner.  Unschooling will often look different with each family.  This blog includes my family's approach to the unschooling philosophy.  I will sometimes include ideas and challenges and sometimes I will include a blog of an actual day or event of our unschooling family.  Feel free to follow my blog if you would like to learn more.  Thank you for taking time to read my blog!

One misconception I have run into regarding unschooling is that it is the same thing as permissive parenting, but it is not.  I joined a few different unschooling Facebook groups when I started this journey and I was so excited about connecting with like minded folk since I finally figured out the educational approach we were going to use, but I did not find like minded folk by doing this.  However, what I discovered instead were many parents who were neglectful and permissive with their children who did not understand the concept of setting healthy boundaries with their children.  There are probably just a few who are like this, but when I joined these groups, those few seemed to be the ones who liked to voice their opinions the most and they seemed to be grasping to this concept of unschooling when in reality, they had poor parenting skills.  I removed myself from these groups, they were obviously not a good fit for me.  Unfortunately, parents like this give unschooling a bad name for the rest of us and this is unfortunate because it is such a positive approach to education and I honestly believe that every child would benefit from learning in this manner.  So today I'm going to touch on positive parenting skills and hopefully this will be helpful for anyone who may have some confusion about the actual unschooling approach and philosophy. 

According to Wikapedia, "Unschooling is an educational method and philosophy that rejects compulsory school as a primary means for learning. Unschoolers learn through their natural life experiences including play, game play, household responsibilities, personal interests and curiosity, internships and work experience, travel, books, elective classes, family, mentors, and social interaction. Unschooling encourages exploration of activities initiated by the children themselves, believing that the more personal learning is, the more meaningful, well-understood and therefore useful it is to the child. While courses may occasionally be taken, unschooling questions the usefulness of standard curricula, conventional grading methods, and other features of traditional schooling in maximizing the education of each unique child". 

I personally view unschooling as child-led learning by following their interests and learning from their natural environment, so a parent acts as a resource person to make the learning environment as positive as possible for a child to do this.  Children do not always know how to set healthy boundaries for themselves, so this is also where parents come in.  A parent's job is  to help a child learn to trust themselves and learn what they need from their internal cues.  They also need to learn proper social skills when interacting with others and children often do not naturally know how to do this without some guidance.  Unschooling is not a free for all, Lord of the Flies extravaganza, but instead a unique lifestyle where children can safely explore their own unique interests and personalities without judgment. 

Unschooling is not:

1.  Unschooling is not allowing your child to rule you.  Even though unschooling is a more laid back lifestyle than some children may lead, you the parent are still the boss.  Your child is not in charge.  This includes having healthy food for your child to eat and teaching them the proper way to behave at home or in a public setting.  This also involves teaching your child to be respectful of you by not talking back or interrupting you, or arguing with you.  If you are caught up in an argument with your child, you have doubt in your stance and you are being submissive.  Arguments with your child should not exist.  You are the adult and even though it is nice to have a pleasant relationship with your child where you are open for them to talk to you when something is bothering them or to give them plenty of hugs and kisses for positive attention, it is still very important to set boundaries with them.  Children do not fully understand proper behavior and will test limits and it is your job as a parent to make these guidelines very clear.  If you ever say "no", never change that to a yes.  This is how children learn to manipulate their parents and it is not healthy for either of you.

2.  Unschooling is not allowing your child to sit around and watch TV all day.  For a while, I had our week set up where we had 'no TV' days on Monday, Wednesday and Friday just so the children would get used to entertaining themselves and learning more independently without always having the distraction of TV.  TV can have positive aspects, especially with educational shows and movies will often help the kids stay in touch with the mainstream when interacting with other children.  However, TV is not learning.  TV is a distraction.  It should only be watched in moderation.  TV can also be an addiction if you allow it to be by replacing positive interactions you can have with your child.  TV is not a babysitter.  Children need to have positive interactions with their parents and other children where they play face to face games, have cuddle time, and use their imagination when playing with their toys for example. Staring at a screen for hours is not educational, but instead a distraction from day to day life.

We no longer do 'no TV' days, but by doing that for a few months, the children learned that sitting around and watching TV all day is not fun or inspiring.  It got to a point where they would not even watch TV on their TV days because they had better things to do.  So I think 'no TV' days were definitely an unschooling success. 

3.   Unschooling is not allowing your child to sit around and play video games all day.  We do not own video game players.  Sitting around playing video games all day makes children fat, lazy and encourages addictive, anti-social behavior that can lead to isolation, withdrawal and addictions in the future.  In moderation, video games can be fun, help children relate to the mainstream and some can be educational.  However, moderation is the key.  There are several fun educational sites that encourage learning that can be a positive addition.  So my son does play some of these on occasion and he does like playing the Wii when he visits his grandmother's house.  I do not have a problem with him playing video games, we just do not have them in our home to avoid the distractive, addictive quality of this activity.  So if you are an unschooler and you are allowing your child to spend 8 hours a day playing video games, you may want to entertain changing your approach.  If this is a strong interest, an hour or two a day may not be bad, but video games are distractions from the natural environment. So if this is a child's main activity, they are not learning from their natural environment, they are simply avoiding it.

Maybe try this instead:

If you feel like you are one of those confused unschoolers who may be using more of a permissive parenting approach and you would like guidance on how you could make positive changes, I am going to include some scenarios here that may be helpful.  Along with unschooling my children, I have also worked as a licensed counselor for many years and have taught parenting skills, so I'd like to share some things that I have learned through this process that you too may find helpful.  I am going to include what I have found helpful with getting the children to explore their environment without focusing on a lot of distractions and some parenting approaches that may be helpful if you are having a child with behavior issues if you have been too permissive with them up to this point and have the desire to make positive changes.  The three main parenting styles are permissive, authoritative and authoritarian.  The authoritative parenting style is usually found to be the most beneficial where a parent will have open communication open with their child and listen to them and treat them with respect while setting gentle boundaries when they are necessary.The following are some parenting steps that I have found helpful.

1.  First of all, in relation to toys, I have paid close attention to what my children are interested in and I get rid of the toys that do not fit into these categories.  It is a good way to get rid of clutter and unnecessary distractions.  My oldest son who is 7 years old has always been my super hero kid, so these were his first toys that he still spends an hour or two a day playing with and creating scenes and using his imagination of how these heroes will save mankind.  He went through a mummy phase and became very interested in great apes, so he has many books related to these subjects and some toys.  He's also really interested in the human body and how it works and he loves science.  So some of his books and toys involve this subject.  His most recent interest is music.  He began taking a recorder class and has interest in some day playing the Tuba.  I can always tell when he's gaining interest in something new because he will use what he can find around the house to create what he does not physically have available yet. I spent a year finding mummies made from various clothes and costumes laying all over the house.  Now I'm starting to find a lot of homemade tubas.  I can see where this is going.

My daughter  who is 4 years old  is a typical girly girl.  She went through a Hello Kitty phase, a princess phase and now she is starting to get into My Little Pony.  She also loves baby dolls.  So these are the main toys that are available for her right now to explore her interests.  She also loves Math and memorizing her books and practice basic reading.  She spends a lot of time counting, writing her name and pretending she's writing signs and letters.  She will often make up stories also.  She loves art and will often request paint so she can create her masterpieces.  My oldest two children also have a mutual interest in Scooby Doo and they will play out scenes for at least an hour a day during their one on one time with my daughter's little Scooby Doo toys.  She spends a majority of her day using her imagination and learning by using her toys.

My baby boy loves cars and trains and his main toys consist of these items.  He will sit and play with them for hours and he creates roadways, train tracks and parking lots. He is a big Winnie the Pooh fan and loves dogs, so he has some stuffed animals that he likes to cuddle with and he will play with our giant puppy for hours during the day, but deep down, he is a car man and this is where his passion seems to be. 

So this is how my children often spend their time during the day where it is still free play, they interact a lot and sometimes will share and explore each other's interests to make them more well rounded.  However, distractions such as the computer, video games or the TV do not play a huge role in their learning process.  Instead, tangible real life toys and experiences do rather than viewing the world through a screen. 

2. If your parenting skills have been a bit too permissive and you are starting to realize this, I can give some basic parenting tips.  If you set boundaries with your children, try to keep it positive such as giving them a hug or cuddle time.  If children are striving to get your attention, they will do this in negative or positive ways, so it's usually best to give them positive attention if it is possible.  I have also noticed with my own children that when they misbehave, they may be hungry, tired or need to go to the bathroom, so be sure to encourage your children to pay close attention to their own internal clues when you are parenting them. 

If you feel your children are spending too much time with addictive distractions that are preventing them from thriving, try adding 'no TV' days, 'no video game' days, 'no computer' days or just 'no electronic' days two or three times a week.  Setting this boundary does not mean that you are not unschooling, but without doing this, it could mean that you are not parenting your child in a healthy manner if these activities are distracting them too much from learning and interacting with others and their environment.

If you are having trouble getting your child to respect you, listen to you or follow directions, a helpful tip is to write down a household rules list so that it is in black and white.  If your child is not reading yet, you can include pictures on this list or just have the list for yourself to remind you what it is and to read it often to your child to help make things clear for them.  If they break a household rule, you need to have a set consequence for the rule broken and try to keep the consequences positive.  For example, if the rule is no talking back, if they talk back, they need to say "I'm sorry" and give you a hug.  This will teach them better social skills rather than being disrespectful.  If they are running in the house and this is one of your rules of something not to do, maybe have them do 10 push ups whenever they are running.  You have to come up with consequences that work for you, every household would be slightly different.  If they go an entire day where they follow all of the rules, you could create a token system by putting stickers on a chart or give them beads for a necklace or whatever works and if they have enough tokens, maybe they can cash them in for a prize if you would like.  You just need to find a system that works well for your family, but the important part is to develop some type of system if the one you currently have in place is not working well.

These are just some basic parenting ideas that may be helpful for you if you feel like you have been too submissive with your approach and need to make some positive changes.  If you have any questions about any of these, you are welcome to ask and I will be happy to help you. 

3. Always pay close attention to what your children are interested in and do not hesitate to find resources to help them explore their interests.  This could include books, classes, volunteering, field trips, play dates, sports, dance, music, curriculum, the list is unlimited.  Just because you are unschooling does not mean that there is no curriculum, classes, or educational activities of any sort.  Unschooling is child lead, interest based learning where children naturally learn from their environment and these activities are available in communities and environments if your child is interested in learning more about them.  Children do not know how to find these resources, but as parents, we have the capability of doing this for them to help guide them in their own direction.  So do not hesitate to do this and to be a parent, role model and guide for your children. 

Thank you for taking time to read this blog.  Unschooling is so positive, but it can be very negative and neglectful towards children if it is misused or misunderstood.  If this information is not enough for you, hopefully it'll peek an interest to do your own research.  I hope this is helpful for you.


2 comments:

  1. I love your take on unschooling because it is very similar to what I thought unschooling was. However I to must have joined the same groups as you did and I was floored. I couldn't believe parents were not setting any kind of healthy boundaries for their children. Some of the parents in these group were very rude to those attempting to understand unschooling as well.

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    1. I am so glad we are on the same page. I love the concept of unschooling. It's sad that there are so many around who say they are doing it, when they are confused by the concept. Those experiences are part of the reason I decided to start a blog. :)

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